Pronouns of the Month
Because identity is now a subscription service
Every month, corporations slap new colours on their logos, activists update their bios, and HR departments invent fresh ways to make your job description sound like a therapy session. Why not join the fun?
Introducing: Pronouns of the Month — the seasonal trend for those of us who refuse to play dress-up in the theatre of oppression.
January: Not / Oppressed
Start the year by doing the unthinkable: admitting your life isn’t a tragedy. The ultimate heresy.
February: Tax / Payer
Valentine’s month is all about giving… mostly to the state. Your love letter goes to the revenue office.
March: Fact / Based
Spring is here, flowers bloom, and so do opinions. Stick with facts. Watch people wilt.
April: Work / Hard
Others are “reimagining equity.” You’re reimagining your alarm clock at 6am. Radical.
May: Free / Thinker
While the masses chant slogans, you risk the death penalty: independent thought.
June: Common / Sense
Pride month. Enough said.
July: Born / Ready
Celebrate independence with the controversial claim that your biology was complete at birth. Explosive stuff.
August: Merit / Based
Holiday season, but the only thing you pack is competence. Airlines won’t lose it.
September: Adult / Human
Back to school, where kids are taught every identity under the sun — except this one.
October: Logic / First
The scariest costume you can wear on Halloween? Rationality. Terrifies the neighbours.
November: Self / Reliant
A radical reminder during gratitude season: maybe stop expecting subsidies for your feelings.
December: Done / WithIt
End the year how you started: honest. Because you can’t spell “festive burnout” without DEI.
Bigger Picture
While everyone else updates pronouns like they’re swapping Netflix passwords, you get the joke. Identity politics is the ultimate subscription model: endless updates, endless categories, endless drama. Meanwhile, the basics — family, work, bills, sanity — remain non-binary: you either handle them, or you don’t.
FAQ
Q: Are these real pronouns?
A: As real as “Ze/Zir.”
Q: Will HR approve of this?
A: Only if you work for yourself.
Q: Isn’t this offensive?
A: Only to those who collect offence like NFTs.
Q: Can I use these in my LinkedIn profile?
A: Please do. Consider it performance art.
